It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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