i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
