Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
