I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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