Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
