Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
