i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
