not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
