On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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