Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize