I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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