So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
