When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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