the condom got lost in my hair
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
