he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize