It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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