Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
