i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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