You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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