My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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