If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
