I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
