strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
