dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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