No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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