I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
