I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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