Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
