so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
