the condom got lost in my hair
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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