I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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