the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
