Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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