I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize