I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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