is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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