Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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