It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
