My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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