fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Randomize
