matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize