just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
