The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
