I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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