I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just want to make out with him forever
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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