yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
