And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
