I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
