i think my mom watched the whole time
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
