I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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