my mouth tastes like poor choices
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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