i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
