At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
FUCK WHALES
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
