I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
