im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is Oprah even human
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize