i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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